


Doin' the Pigeon

by AnxietyGrrl, jesshelga



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Fix-It of Sorts, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Richie Tozier's Stand Up Act, Sesame Street
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:41:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxietyGrrl/pseuds/AnxietyGrrl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jesshelga/pseuds/jesshelga
Summary: A restless unable-to-perform-live Richie Tozier tries out a new bit on Eddie with the help of several Sesame Street songs and a very on-point observation about Eddie's eyebrows.Canon compliant death: Mr. Hooper
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 10
Kudos: 38





	Doin' the Pigeon

Richie popped open his beer with the magnetic churchkey that always seemed to be on the coffee table and _never_ on the refrigerator, and flipped the cap to Eddie. “Here. For your collection.”

Eddie indulged him with his most patient--which still wasn’t _very_ patient--‘what now?’ look. “For my what?”

“Your bottle cap collection. You know, cuz you’re Bert.”

“I’m--? Bert _who?_ ”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Burt Reynolds, famous for his bottle cap addiction. And I’m Loni Anderson. _Ernie and Bert,_ obviously, E is for Edward.”

“Oh, here we go.” Eddie leaned forward in his armchair. “Since when does Ernie get top billing?”

“We have the same agent now.”

“Fuck you, I’m not Bert.”

“Uh, fuck me, of course you are.” Richie ticked the reasons off on his fingers. “One, you’re a bossy bitch. Two, you hate fun. Three, you love pigeons.”

“I _hate_ pigeons,” Eddie objected, shuddering. “They’re filthy. They’re full of mites.”

“Four, you pretend to be annoyed all the time but you actually can’t live without me.”

“I don’t _pretend_ to be annoyed.”

“Five, you fucking love oatmeal.”

“I don’t love oatmeal. No one _loves_ oatmeal.”

“Well that’s some organic, steel-cut horseshit. You ate it twice this week.”

“It reduces cholesterol!”

“ _Six_ , your eyebrows go straight across,” he motioned with his finger in front of his forehead, “like this.” Eddie frowned. “Yes, like that! Right now, you’re doing it right now.” He mimicked an Ernie laugh and said fondly in his Henson-est voice, “Ol’ Buddy Bert.”

Eddie shook his head in the rapid side-to-side way he did when he wouldn’t give Richie the satisfaction of a laugh. “Your whole premise is fucked, though. Bert and Ernie are not gay.”

“Are you _kidding_ me?” The pitch of Richie’s voice rose with incredulity. “Of course they are. It’s practically canon.”

“They’re _roommates._ ”

“Yeah, that’s what they told Gordon all those years so they wouldn’t get evicted! Gordon? Maria? Which one’s the landlord?”

“They’re meant to show that opposite types can be friends. That’s it. _That’s_ canon.”

“That’s right, opposite types can be friends. Lovable, creative, free-spirited pranksters can be _best_ friends with boring, neurotic, uptight, nerds. And then they can _bone on down._ ” He waggled his eyebrows. “Except they call it ‘doin’ the pigeon.’ Remember? Remember last night? When we were doin’ the pigeon?”

“God, you’re disgusting.”

“And you’re a charter member of The National Association of W Lovers. W for _waaannnggg._ ”

“Bert and Ernie _can’t_ be gay.”

“Wow. _Wow_ , Eddie. What is this internalized homo-puppet-phobia? I’m shocked and disappointed.”

“I’m not-- That’s just it! They’re _puppets_. They don’t have--”

“What? Feelings?”

“Genitals.”

“Uh, A), how do you know? That’s between them and Sesame Workshop, perv. And B, maybe they’re _asexual homoromantic_ , ever think of that, you closed-minded, oatmeal-loving pigeon-fancier? Love is love is love is--”

“Please shut the fuck up.”

“They have _hearts_ , Eddie. Hearts made of _felt_ ; that’s why they’re called _feelings_ …’feltings’? Shit, this needs more work.”

“Ohh, this is a _bit_ . You’ve been working up a bit and since the clubs are all closed you’re torturing _me_ with it. Well let me help you out. It sucks. You’re bombing. ‘Bert and Ernie are gay’, it’s so hack. I’m asking for my apps comped.”

“‘Bert and Ernie are gay’ is hack, yes, but ‘my boyfriend and I are Bert and Ernie’ is _relatable._ I’m a _storyteller_ now, Eddie. Deal with it dot gif.”

“No one is going to relate to this. Because it’s bullshit.”

“It’s nostalgia, and I’ll have you know both bullshit and nostalgia are _huge_ with elder millennials.”

Eddie laughed. “Fuck off, you’re not any kind of fucking _millennial_.”

“Now you’re Evil Bert.” Eddie gave him a look which was _assertively_ blank. “From the early 2000s meme?’

“Literally _no one_ remembers that. You’re old as shit.”

“This is why we have twin beds.”

“I wish.”

“Aw, come on. Loosen up your turtleneck dickie.” Richie got up from his own La-Z-Boy and jammed himself half onto Eddie’s. Eddie squirmed and made a noise of protest. “ _When I squeeze you, you make noise_ …” Richie sang into the top of his head.

“That’s Rubber Duckie,” he futilely corrected, as he futilely attempted to slap Richie away from combing his hair into a distinctly Muppetish tuft.

“Yes, _obviously_ Rubber Duckie was a symbolic stand-in for Bert; Ernie had to sublimate all that affection _somewhere_ while they were in the cellulose closet.”

“It’s obvious to you because you’re a lunatic.”

“I don’t want to live on the moon, Eddie,” he murmured. “Only an Ernie knows the inner torment of an Ernie.” Richie started to nuzzle his neck in a weird but not unpleasant pecking motion. “What about this?” He _coo_ ed from his throat. “Does this turn you on?"

Eddie saw Richie’s hand rise ever-so-slowly and not-so-stealthily from his lap, and slapped it away at the last second. “Don’t you dare,” he said, chest finally shaking with laughter, “don’t you _dare_ take my nose."

* * *

In the quiet of the bedroom, the only sounds were sheets rustling, some heavy breathing, and the distinct sound of mouth against skin.

“Good ol’... good ol’ buddy Bert.”

Stillness reigned for a moment. “Look, I can either do what I was doing, or I can laugh and marvel at how you spent all day watching clips and improving this impression. But I can’t do both.” Eddie paused, then added “Er-nie” in a Voice of his own that, while not strictly accurate, had enough sarcastic oomph to make Richie laugh.

Popping on his glasses and flipping on the light, he took in Eddie’s expression. “Nice. But seriously, I’m getting pretty good, huh? Probably makes you wish you hadn’t been so quick to dismiss this earlier today.”

Moving from his previous position propped over Richie’s torso, Eddie flopped onto his back and sighed. “If anything, I know you’re somehow going to work me blowing you into this work in progress, and I wish I’d smothered you while you were taking a nap earlier in the day.”

“Does that mean you don’t want to hear the new two to three minutes where I talk about how you’re _actually_ the love child of Telly and Oscar?”

“Oh, my _God._ ” Eddie indelicately buried his face into the sheets and huffed out a breath. “I wish you’d make like Snuffleupagus and fucking _disappear_.”

“Hey, Eddie… do you remember Bert and Ernie’s headboards? I didn’t remember until I was watching clips today, but… their initials are carved into ‘em.”

After a moment, Eddie’s eyes (and singular-looking heavy eyebrows) appeared again. “Gonna hit the audience with some emotional manipulation, huh?”

Ruffling Eddie’s already mussed hair, Richie smiled and said, “Oh most definitely, I’m aiming for just shy of Mr. Hooper’s death by the end of the 10 minutes.”

Long fingers settled on Richie’s thigh. “Your Ernie is pretty good. But don’t do it in bed. I don’t want to end up all sexually confused and start watching PBS Kids when you’re back on tour.”

As Eddie resumed his earlier efforts, Richie sighed up at the ceiling and sang, “I...liiiiike... you.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Ernie tries oatmeal](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqaXIDqjn9E)  
> [Bert - Doin' the Pigeon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDJsgtoizj8)  
> [The National Association of W Lovers](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJcdpKYIFKs) (wang is not referenced)  
> [Ernie - I Don't Want To Live On The Moon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIq8jLj5TzU)  
> [Ernie and Bert - But I Like You](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9AAJvQnUTQ)  
> [Telly and Oscar: The Other Asexual Homoromantic Sesame Street Couple](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6g2YHItl-U)
> 
> Richie: "Brought to you by the letters B and J and the number 69."
> 
> Eddie: "Did I say I wanted my apps comped? I meant I want to speak to the manager."


End file.
